Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
