you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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