Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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