i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
