I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
