so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
