bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
