Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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