It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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