the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
