I think I am morally bankrupt
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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