i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
one might say we're banned from that church
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Randomize
