So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
