What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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