There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
