shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
