last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
