Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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