no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
