My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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