I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
