We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
tell me about the eggs
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
