this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
