Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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