i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
It's just like the Real World with babies
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
