This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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