he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Let's get the cat blown out
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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