I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
