It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
