Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
