I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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