This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
