I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
