Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
