ya dads aren't the best wingmen
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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