Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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