THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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