don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
