Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
