Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
