When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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