Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
