Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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