you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
