I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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