and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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