You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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