Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
