im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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