This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
