I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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