Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
